Last night was good for my soul.
Austin and I went to see Trevor Hall’s A Night in The Village show. Honestly, I’ve lost track of how many shows of his I’ve seen, but I always leave feeling more grounded and at peace.
It wasn’t just your average concert; it was a night of storytelling, songs and ended with an insightful Q+A. The entire experience felt particularly special and needed in my life right now.
Maybe I’m alone in this and I know I talk about this a lot, but I have changed so much since becoming a mother. In the best ways and in some of the hardest ways. When I think of having children, I think of how I want to slow down and enjoy every precious moment of their lives. But in reality, life only gets more busy and feels more rushed, ultimately resulting in the saying, “the nights are long, but the years are short.”
I think I’ve finally made it through postpartum depression.
This past week and a half have been so hard on all three of us. Emotionally and physically. Lucy began waking up numerous times in the night, fighting naps and bedtime like a little anti-sleep warrior. She’s sometimes even waking up as often as every 15 minutes. Each time crying and screaming, needing rocked or fed back to sleep. Not to mention the random times throughout the night where she was just “awake for the day”. We’re talking 3am 2 hour play times.
Austin and I planned to handle it like the team that we are. I’d take a turn, then Austin would take a turn. But L has now seemed to notice EXACTLY what soothes her best. Mama. Nothing against Daddy, I just spend 24/7 with her and she’s grown attached to how I comfort her. Austin could do the exact same thing I do, but it doesn’t matter. She’s smart enough to know the difference.
After several attempts of Austin trying and Lucy screaming and crying to the point that she now sounds hoarse, it wasn’t worth it. I was now getting up with her each time.
That didn’t necessarily mean Austin had it easy and got to sleep the entire time. He often sits up with me and keeps me company. One night I told him to lay down. I rocked L back to sleep and went to put her in her crib. She instantly woke back up crying. So I tried again. Walking, bouncing until she went into snoozeville. Again, she woke up as soon as I put her down.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. But after 6 nights of little to no sleep and growing more and more anxious every time she cried, I broke. My legs felt weak, I felt nauseous, dizzy and was trying to focus on keeping my breathing under control. I was beginning to have an anxiety attack.
Late last night, I felt mega vulnerable and desperate. Desperate to vent. Desperate for some relief. Desperate for sleep. Desperate for a quiet moment. Desperate to not feel so alone. So, I turned to a mommy Facebook group and after seeing the responses, it made me want to share here, too. As much as I just want to keep these feelings to myself, I realize it’s important that other moms hear that it’s not always sunshine and rainbows or belly laughs and snuggles.
Being a mom can be sooo hard.
17 years ago, my mom let me throw a Halloween party. We had recently moved to a new house and I had began going to a new school. She thought it might be a good way for me to make new friends.
My mom goes all out for parties. Always has and probably always will. Her and my dad made graveyards, zombie brides and set up a tent where my cousin played a fortune teller. It was my first real memory at this house. And holy crap, was it an awesome one. I remember running around that yard having the time of my life. All the worries of being the new kid disappeared. Life was simply good.
The scariest part of childbirth for me was the unknown. It was something I’ve never experienced before and was likely going to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. So, what did I do? I researched, researched, researched. I spoke with mama friends, asked lots of questions in multiple mom/pregnancy groups on Facebook, Googled plenty, closely read all the pregnancy apps and never was shy with questions with my doctors. Thing is though, when you’ve never been through it, it can be difficult to know what to ask. So, you’re often depending on those who’ve been through it to let you know what to expect. But I found that quite a few things were left out and I’m going to share them with you, because I wish someone had shared them with me.