Late last night, I felt mega vulnerable and desperate. Desperate to vent. Desperate for some relief. Desperate for sleep. Desperate for a quiet moment. Desperate to not feel so alone. So, I turned to a mommy Facebook group and after seeing the responses, it made me want to share here, too. As much as I just want to keep these feelings to myself, I realize it’s important that other moms hear that it’s not always sunshine and rainbows or belly laughs and snuggles.
Being a mom can be sooo hard.
I never want to complain, because being Lucy’s mom is literally my favorite thing ever. She’s made me feel complete in ways I didn’t know possible.
But GD, sometimes I feel so alone.
Which makes me want to share, that way I can feel a little less alone AND hopefully make someone else feel a little less alone.
Lucy is a fussy baby. Yes, I can get her to smile pretty easily, but for whatever reason if I’m not constantly in her face singing nursery rhymes, she’s fussing. She fusses when I feed her. She fusses in her jumper. She fusses when I hold her. She fusses when we’re playing with toys on the floor. She’s fussing about 85% of the day. But as soon as I throw her in the air or sing her a goofy song, she smiles. So, that makes me feel like she’s probably not in pain or discomfort, she’s just fussy. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. I plan to bring all this up at her doctor’s appointment next week. She likely has colic – boooo.
Anyways, I haaate to hear her fuss. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong or I should know what to do to make her happy, but I don’t.
Not to mention, I work from home and most days I’m not able to get to my major to-do’s until late into the evening. It’s been days, maybe weeks, since I’ve eaten dinner with Austin. Actually it’s been days since either of us have had dinner period. As soon as he gets home from work, I’m having to shut myself in my room to work. And even then I’m still finding myself distracted by Lucy’s cry. And before I know it, it’s time to get her ready for bed (around 8pm). And yes, Austin tries to get her down, but for whatever reason, she prefers me. She fights him and takes way too long to fall asleep for him. But as soon as he hands her off to me, she’s usually fine and asleep within 40 mins.
And lately she’s been doing this thing where she randomly wakes up in the night crying/screaming. She did it last night at 10pm and was practically screaming for a half hour straight. She did it the night prior at 12am and was awake for 2 hours crying. Maybe it’s her cold, but I think she’s almost fully better. I love snuggling her, but it breaks my heart when she’s screaming the entire time and I can’t calm her down.
I haven’t left the house since Sunday. I’ve only changed once this week, and that was going from one pair of pjs to another. I’ve only showered once so far this week. And my diet has been candy from my Christmas stocking, PB+J and Spaghettios.
And lastly, my house is a mess. My Christmas decor is still up and probably will be for a awhile. I can’t even think about when I’ll get the chance to take it down and clean our apartment.
Again, I really don’t mean to complain. I know this entire post is complaining, but I think it’s important to be openly say, “holy shit, being a mom is hard”. Because it is. Yes, it’s the most rewarding thing ever, but this mama is feeling the mommy blues. If that’s even a thing.
To other moms out there, you’re not alone. I’m here struggling with you. If you’re up in the night feeding, I’m here, too. If you’re crying, because you’re sleep deprived, I am, too. If you ever feel like you’re losing yourself, I’ve felt that, too. You are not alone.
This may be the last thing you want to hear and I say that because it drives me nuts when Austin tells me this, but keep pushing through. There will be better days. It’s not always going to be hard. And the good days will always outweigh the bad ones.
Disclaimer: I never feel ungrateful for the life I have. I am blessed with a loving husband, our beautiful and healthy daughter, supportive parents and a roof over my head. But there is no rule in the book that says you can’t be grateful and frustrated at the same time. It’s OK to feel every bit of the hardships of being a mom, while still being grateful for all that you have.